original artwork by Willa Hutchison
This was supposed to be to be the introduction to my young adult novel, but since I scrapped that a few years ago, the title suits for my exact day today. Maybe it will serve as an introduction to what this blog is really about, not a fictional story, but me.
Most mornings I wake up horribly. As soon as I open my eyes, I want to close them again, and I could since I don’t work, don’t have kids or grandkids who need me, and not even a dog to take out for a walk. I never realized that total retirement would do this to me. I don’t have any friends since I either pushed them all away or they live in different worlds. The only hobby I have is reading and writing this blog, both very solitary habits. I watch one tv show. Maybe some college football.
Right now in the back of my head, my suicide box is locked, so I’m safe. It has opened earlier this morning, and I’m not sure why, but I felt an explosion, and all these little differently colored pills fell out. They weren’t labeled. They could have been anything, even vitamins.
I got scared and called for help. First, my regular counselor talked to me. She wanted to put me in the hospital, but I refused. I had gone that route before. It’s a vacation with no personal items and one lounge television. Oh! And some private and group therapy with people who are very nice, but ansk ask you a lot of personal questions. And then it’s over, and you go back to your regularly scheduled life.
My Life in the Dark
Today was different. The counselor on the phone called Crisis Intervention. At first I thought, uh-oh, but instead, a very nice woman asked if she could come to me home and talk with me. I agreed, but until she arrived, the other counselor stayed on the phone until I opened the front door. I was very surprised at their thoroughness. I said I was fine. I’ve dealt with this before, but she wasn’t taking any chances with me. It wasn’t that they didn’t believe me; this was strict protocol.
Someone cared. And when she left, I didn’t feel alone. No one judged me. No one scoffed at me. No one gave me the side eye. I rambled on and on, and it was like clearing the forest a little bit. So some light could shine through.
And all these little differently colored pills? They are back in the box, and it’s padlocked again.
